I Have Trust Issues
I have trust issues. There. I said it. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an…interesting relationship with the concept of trust. On one hand, I will freely rattle off some of the most intimate details of my life to almost anyone. I normally trust that they’ll be responsible with the information I disclose to them. On the other hand, it typically takes me months into a friendship to trust that the other person will ever text me back first. It takes me a long time to trust that the other person will ever initiate conversation on their own, or that they’ll be honest if I’m talking too much or being annoying. I have a very backwards relationship with trust. What I mean by that is: I tend to trust people with the ‘big things’. I don’t trust them with the ‘little things’.
Why I React This Way
The main reason I feel I react this way is that I’m more easily hurt by the little things. If someone doesn’t text me back, I run my mind into a frenzy thinking they don’t like me. I must have said something wrong. I scared them off for whatever reason. It all becomes a thought process of what I must have done or said wrong. Rarely is my first thought “they’re probably just busy or tired”. I will more-or-less keep myself in a constant anxiety attack for days at a time with these thoughts running through my head until the person gets back to me.
Another part of the equation is my fear of abandonment. I’ve had people turn on me in the blink of an eye. I’ve had people who I thought were friends walk out of my life suddenly with absolutely no explanation. As much as my fear of abandonment is due to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it’s also due to real emotional trauma I’ve experienced in my life.
I’m Improving Over Time
I’m getting better about trusting others with the little things as I get older. Maturity and positive experiences with others are slowly helping me let go and trust new people easier and faster. It’s still definitely a test of patience and grace, both on my end and on that of the other person. I’m also getting better about explaining my difficulties with trust to my friends. That growth seems to be helping us all.