Positivity in myself is still very, very foreign to me, to the point where, if I’m “too positive” for “too long”, I feel as though I’m lying to people. I was so very depressed for so long and I was in such a completely negative place in my life and in my own head for so long, that I’m still not used to what it’s like to be able to be positive without having to really, really try. I still feel as though I’m lying a lot of times when I talk about positive things & then later feel as though I left out the negative or the “real” from whatever it is I said or wrote. I’m not used to feeling like this. I’m not used to feeling as though the positive is real and as though suddenly I’m leaving out the rest of my “real” that isn’t as pretty, because I don’t want to leave out the rest of my “real” just so I can please others with positivity. It makes me feel like I don’t know who I am right now. Am I really becoming, *gasp* an honestly positive (or at least more positive) person? Or is it just an act or a cover-up in an attempt to give the “public” or my friends or my readers what I’ve always been told they really want or what they’d prefer to hear from me (or from anyone)? Or am I even actually being positive in the eyes of others? Am I perceiving myself as being more positive when others still see me as being negative? Or am I perceiving myself as positive because others see it that way as well?
Is my positivity real, or is it just for show?